Laugh Because it Feels Good

OMG The Funniest Email Forward

2006-03-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty liner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps
- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches
- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. So take your tips for living and shove themright up your a$$.

Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS

Wise Women?

2005-12-23T10:16:00.000-08:00

To All My Online Friends

2005-12-15T09:11:00.000-08:00

To All My Online Friends:

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Merry Christmas!

From The Mouthes of Babes

2005-12-01T12:56:00.000-08:00

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then as ked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

HEAR WHAT OPRAH HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN

2005-11-21T16:39:00.000-08:00

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop
trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what
makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not
treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A
friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is
stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think
"it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying
when things are not better. The only person you can control in a
relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch
of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why
would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends
separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If
something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He
will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior.
Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important
than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not
make him into a quasi-god He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never
let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he
cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way
you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the
one doing all the bending... compromise is two way street. You need time
to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship You should
never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two
WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not
supplementary. Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.
Right Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where! You
are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for
granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you
need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with
other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make someone smile,
another rethink her/his choices, and another woman prepare, and a man
aware.

Go UTES!!

2005-11-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Brigham Young"Cougar" fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Cougar fans too.

Not really knowing what a Cougar fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however one exception. Janet has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asked her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Cougar fan" she reports. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm an Utah 'Ute" fan" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Janet why she is a Ute fan. "Well, my dad and mom are Ute fans, so I'm a Ute fan too" she responds. "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Janet says, "Well then, I guess I'd be a Cougar fan."

Safety Tips For Women

2005-11-09T11:37:00.000-08:00

After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)
If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably ! in a zig -zag pattern!
As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
************* Here it is *******
Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."
The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.
I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Could Be Worse

2005-11-09T11:35:00.000-08:00

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.

It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend Joan, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice - even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams, too!

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck

2005-11-09T11:33:00.000-08:00

(written after she found out she was dying from cancer)

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime. Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it live it and never give it back.

Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I hope you all have a blessed day.

Why ARE Men Happier?

2005-11-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase . You can open all of your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Happy Halloween!!

2005-10-31T09:05:00.000-08:00

New Living Will Form

2005-10-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for (please initial all that apply)
_________ a martini,
_________ a margarita,
_________ a beer,
_________ a steak,
_________ the remote control,
_________ a bowl of ice cream,
_________ a Kalua on the rocks,
_________ sex,
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.
Signature:___________________________
Date: ___________________________
Witness: __________________________

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

2005-10-27T14:34:00.000-07:00

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, sooner or later you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them (because you love them).
Take the time .. to live and love.

Useless Information

2005-10-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.
2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.
3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.
4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.
5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.
7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.
11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.
15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!
19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.
22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.
23 . Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?
24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?
25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.
26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.
27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.
29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.
37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.

Good Advice

2005-10-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone e sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Bedroom Habits Of The Zodiac

2005-10-11T12:55:00.000-07:00

ARIES
March 21-April 20
Ruling Planet: MARS

The bonk now/think later God of War, aggression and action!Sexually, Aries is an explosion waiting to happen! The excitement is often in the chase more than the actual conquest though and while they may appear to want to dominate, they do not want a submissive partner. Routine brings boredom to sex for Aries, so if you're only comfortable with the missionary position, go for another sign, but if you like forceful personalities and enjoy pretending you're a human Twistie, then you've found paradise with an Aries.

FAVE POSITION
Always on top and always in charge

BEST SEX TOY
Handcuffs! Like I said, Aries likes to take charge!

ARIES MALE IN BED
The Aries male is loud, domineering and 100% stud! He's from the bump n grind school of lovemaking so if you're looking for romantic dinners by candlelight and long walks on the beach, keep looking! If you're turned on by ultra-macho grunt-and-groaning types, you've just found your ticket to heaven! He's not prone to cheat unless you bore him in bed and he likes sex fast and furious baby!

ARIES FEMALE IN BED
She views sex as more of a physical act than something from a soppy romance novel. If you're a bored exec and want to find out what it's like to be treated like a piece of meat, then go for a one night stand with an Aries chick. She'll be gone before you wake up and may not remember your name the next time you meet. She's got a touch of KINK to her personality so don't get freaked out when she talks dirty or puts you over her knee for a spanking. She's all woman, but are you man enough to handle her?

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON ARIES
If you want to seduce an Aries, running your fingers through their hair is an awesome starting point! And licking and nibbling around their face or neck will get them going too! Just be careful to keep your saliva at bay. Drool is not cool!

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TAURUS
April 21 - May 21
Ruling Planet: VENUS

The Goddess in charge of love, beauty and sexTaureans are ahead of the game when it comes to love coz they are ruled by VENUS, the planet of Love! Taurus has all the qualities a lover desires, including sensuality, loyalty and faithfulness.When a typical Taurus makes love, it's the most physical and natural pleasure in the world. They believe the romantic approach to sex almost always pays off so they will happily cook dinner, buy flowers, and light candles for someone they wanna bang. They don't like to rush things and take everything, including sex, slowly.

FAVE POSITION
The one Taurus enjoys most is the Missionary. Some may say this is so unadventurous, but Taurus is very practical and this is the most comfortable.

BEST SEX TOY
A battery powered "erotic massager"

TAURUS MALE IN BED
The Taurean man needs a woman who will want to stay home to eat and make love. He can be stubborn and is known to sulk like a little boy, but he LOVES making up!! (Rrrrow!)He likes to take things slow and gently and can last for hours, always waiting for HER to finish before rolling over to sleep.

TAURUS FEMALE IN BED
She is great at back massages and sex in general. She makes an art of lovemaking. Just kissing her can bring some men to the big "O". Her touch is gentle and tender, it excites and caresses and when in the mood, she too can go for hours at a time, days on end.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON TAURUS
There's nothing Taurus enjoys more than having their neck kissed and their earlobes nibbled. Light, feathery caresses up and down the neck followed by gentle licks, no biting, will make a female writhe with delight and a male stand at attention within seconds.

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GEMINI
May 22 - June 21
Ruling Planet: MERCURY

The swiftest God in the skies, who also happens to be in charge of ultr-extreme raunchy talk.Talking about sex is Gemini's favourite hobby and doing it comes a close second. Gemini's love flirting and lap up attention from the opposite sex, but sometimes that's all they're looking for.They need a lot of variety when it comes to sex - dirty weekends away, a quickie in a shop doorway,serious groping under the table at a fancy restaurant. A lot of Gemini's are bisexual too and can often be drawn to those of the same sex.

FAVE POSITION
As long as it's different every time, they're not fussy, but if theymust choose, it's that naughty number right after 68, since they can come up for air if they need to.

BEST SEX TOY
Any illustrated book about kinky sex, so Gemini can pick up some wild, new ideas

GEMINI MALE IN BED
He likes to give AND receive and can be quite inventive.He's a lights on, in front of the mirror kinda guy and if you make a few subtle noises and talk a wee bit dirty, he'll be very happy.

GEMINI FEMALE IN BED
She is more interested in IQ than private parts. If she can't respect the intellect, then satisfaction is not possible for her. She may sleep around forever and never find her true love and she is not the most faithful of the signs. She likes sex on the run, in an airplane toilet, in the storeroom at work, in the backseat of a car???

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON GEMINI
Focus on the shoulders, arms and legs of a Gemini and you're headed for the good books. They love a good massage and their hands are so sensitive that even having their fingernails played with sends shivers up their spine!Kiss up and down each of your Gemini's arms, sneak in a few licks, nips and nibbles. If you get one or two yelps,then you know you're doing something right.then, move onto the fingers, slowly kiss, lick, nip and nibble each fingertip, then pull out the killer move - suck on each finger, slowly, as if it's a lollipop. I'll almost offer a money back guarantee on this one working!

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CANCER
June 22 - July 23
Ruling Planet: THE MOON

Which isn't a planet at all but the satellite responsible for thiswater sign's many mood swings!Love and sex go together for Cancer. They need to feel secure in love before they can relax in sex and Cancer often feels a little bit guilty after doing the deed because they usually associate sex with babies, especially the women, who either get pregnantat the drop of a hat or take longer than usual.All Cancers WANT to be parents!Cancers become sexually excited when they feel secure. They are turned on by home cooked meals and partners who love kids. In so many ways, Cancer is the dream partner!

FAVE POSITION
Any position that's comfortable and involves Cancer lying flat on their back with all their sensitive areas exposed!BEST

SEX TOY
A drink or joint that will relax the overly-cautious crab!

CANCER MALE IN BED
He is a sensitive lover and will put his partner's needs before hisown. He has a tenderness about him that drives women wild! Likes golden showers!If the Cancer guy decides he's in it for the long haul, he'll dowhatever it takes to keep his lover happy in and out of the bedroom. Oh, and he's a BREAST man!!

CANCER FEMALE IN BED
She oozes sexiness and is born to mate!! Compliments and kissing will win her over, so as you're nibbling on her ear, whisper "you're so beautiful" to get her quivering. Perhaps the Vincent (Big Brother) growl would work on a Cancer woman?

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON CANCER
Concentrate on the breasts and pecs of Cancer to really get themgoing.Start by kissing and brushing up against them. Licking the Cancer female's nipple through her top will excite her, but don't 'dive right in' coz you're likely to scare her.It's the complete opposite for the Cancer male who will LOVE it if you get straight to the point. Squeeze his pecs and bite his bod and you'll have him bouncing off the walls in no time!
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LEO
July 24 - August 23
Ruling Planet: THE SUN

Which isn't a planet at all, but a star, and just like Leo's opinion ofthemselves, it's the centre of our solar system!Leos can be very 'into themselves' when they bonk. It's not that they don't make their partner feel special, it's just that they often forget about them as they secretly high-five themselves for scoring again! Leo does actually want more from a partner than just sex though. Leo wants love and friendship too. They can be very romantic, but when they get into bed, it's not an experience they're about to have, it's a show!They like to perform... and they take requests! "Doing it" is theultimate stress buster for Leo and they are pretty damn good at it, but they need constant praise for their outstanding performance.

FAVE POSITION
Receiving 'oral affections', since Leo is all about getting serviced!BEST

SEX TOY
A camera, or a game of Strip Poker will get the cat purring or perhaps you can use them both together!

LEO MALE IN BED
You are the King of the Jungle and expect to be treated that way! You are a good lover because you don't like to fail at anything. You are sexy and have an aura of sexiness that is difficult to deny. But, you will let anyone adore you, so your partner has to make the effort or you will pad off to your next Lioness!!

LEO FEMALE IN BED
You are elegant and sexy without even trying. Men love you and women want to be you. You like to play cat and mouse with men and command respect. In bed, you are a real panther and can scare the pants off most men. You adore raw sex, so your partner should go with you and enjoy it. You're a once in a lifetime experience!

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LEO
A Leo's 'moan zone' is his or her back. First of all, ask your Leo toroll onto his/her tummy. Start with a gentle scratch that runs from the top of the ass to the base of the skull. I'm not talking about tender tickles or a tantalizing tease - I mean a REAL back scratch, coz if there's one thing cats love, it's a scratch!After a minute or so, get out the massage oil and spill it into asnakey pattern on Leo's back. Then rub all over. Keep doing this until you know Leo is ready to roll over. If they start falling asleep, give them a gentle prod in a delicate place! Once Leo is ready to roll over, don't let them! Leo will be excited by your control. YOU decide when it's time to 'flip your feline' over and get into the good stuff!
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VIRGO
August 24 - September 23
Ruling Planet: Mercury

The God in charge of intellect and speedÃ¢???but don't worry because Virgo likes to take their time in the sack!!Virgos have two sides to their personality. The Virgin and the Vixen. They may want you to THINK they are all sweet and virginal, but they are definitely NOT! However, Virgos are looking for a long term partner, not a one night stand or an affair! They tend to seduce with finesse, charm and sublety so you may not even realize you're being lured by a Virgo!! Once Virgo has been in a relationship for awhile, they get engrossed in housework and things like that, which can cause a serious dip in libido. Do NOT let this happen! They are definitely more of a "can we cuddleinstead" sign that a 'let's get it on!' one when committed.

FAVE POSITION
Almost anything, as long as it involves eye contact!

BEST SEX TOY
It's more of a game. Write down five wild sex acts and put them in a bowl. Get Virgo to pick one out at random, and then do what you're told!! Virgo LOVES spontaneous sexuality!

VIRGO MALE IN BED
You can be quite boring at times because you have set views on how a woman should be. You don't mean to criticize or offend, but your perfectionist ways may drive your lover loopy! You DO have some kinky ideas though, but it is difficult to get to the bottom of your passion! You are a creature of habit, so if your lover can get you into the habit of sleeping with her, who knows what might happen?

VIRGO FEMALE IN BED
You are hardworking and careful about your appearance, but you really do fantasize about getting down and dirty! You are a secret romantic and crave the perfect lover. Since the perfect lover doesn't exist, you'll take what you can get! You are quite insecure and need a partner who will adore you. You have strong passion beneath that practical exterior and are just waiting for someone to unearth it!

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON VIRGO
Virgo's have a VERY sexually sensitive tummy!! If you wanna make them putty in your hands, stroke, lick and kiss their stomach!! The area from the bellybutton DOWN! Once you have them squirming, you can have anything you want!! Just remember to keep one hand on their tummy at all times!!
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LIBRA
September 24 - October 23
Ruling Planet: Venus

The planet in charge of beauty, love peace, and stirring sensuality
Libra is one of the sexiest signs in the zodiac, but if Libra can't getwhat they want from one lover, they will opt for two! They arenotorious for having double standards in that situation too. They'll look you in the eye and say "never cheat on me, coz I would never do it to you", even when they have a hot night of passion planned with someone else! Librans are more turned on 'giving' than 'receiving'. They have a big heart and are the least selfish sign of the Zodiac.Libras are not very open about their thoughts or fantasies. They'drather say nothing than tell the truth and offend or embarrass you. In bed, it takes a while for them to be comfortable enough to tell you exactly what they want.

FAVE POSITION
As long as they are lying down, they're happy!

BEST SEX TOY
K.Y. Jelly. I will say no more!

LIBRA MALE IN BED
The Libra man sees sex as an exciting adventure and he'd be very keen to do it in kinky places like a restaurant toilet! He likes being a bad boy if there's a chance he might get caught. He'll try out any fantasy you have, but whether or not you can keep a tight hold on his heart remains to be seen. However, he can be a bit of a pushover, and is perfect husband material, and he'd prefer his lover to take the lead. He is romantic and considerate but may suffer from Premature Ejaculation!

LIBRA FEMALE IN BED
The only thing that separates Libra men and women is what's between their legs! Libra girl wants a strong man who understands that she needs her individuality and freedom. She is turned off by burping, farting, and bad breath. Good personal hygiene is crucial if you want to get to 2nd base.Librans are very good at lying to get their own way. When your Libra girl groans in bed, look into her eyes to make sure she's not 'faking it'.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON LIBRA
Libra's Love Zone is their lower back and butt, so please, squeeze and pat your Libra's butt whenever you get a chance. When you're kissing, reach under his or her top and stroke the lower part of their back, starting in the middle and working your way down to their butt. Take your time and be gentle! To really drive your Libra wild? Have you ever heard of the term 'Rimming'??? Does it surprise you that a high percentage of Libras are gay?
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SCORPIO
October 24 - November 22
Ruling Planet: PLUTO

The Roman God of the dead, beginnings and endings. Which basically means that Scorpios add novel differences to any relationship.Scorpios are very possessive. They will tense up if you even LOOK at another hottie across the room. But they can be relied on to always be there for you if you need them. You may never really know what your Scorpio is thinking though, because to them, Knowledge is power and they are very good at putting on astraight face to cover up any emotion they are feeling. Scorpios love sex. The dirtier, the better. Get them excited by revealing your filthiest fantasy and offering to act it out.

FAVE POSITION:
Anything, as long as it involves dominating your ass.

BEST SEX TOY:
Ben Wah Balls for the girls, and a Riding Crop for the boys

SCORPIO MALE IN BED
His sexuality is so strong, it will make you dizzy!! If you are luckyenough to be with a Scorpio boy, you will always be satisfied!! There's a rumour that the Scorpio man is the most skilled in bed. It's as true as a black man has a giant wang!!! Most are pretty good!! The only thing you don't wanna do is piss him off. Every little thing u do that he doesn't like, he will file away in his little mental rolodex. Piss him off one too many times, and he will wreak his revenge!!!

SCORPIO FEMALE IN BED
She may look like a quiet, shy girl, but in bed she is NOT! She is awildly passionate woman, who is DYNAMO is the bedroom.Just don't piss her off either, coz she can more vengeful than a Scorpio man, and she has no problem causing a scene! Don't talk about other women, or play hard to get, because she will get u back, and it's a game of one-upmanship you will never win.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SCORPIO
Since this is one of the horniest signs, it makes sense that their moan zone is between their legs! Then again, their big head (or their mind) is just as easy to turn on. Talking dirty and teasing your Scorpio will get them ready and randy in a flash!! Without getting too graphic, the magic words for today are RUB, RUB, RUB.
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SAGITTARIUS
November 23 - December 22
Ruling Planet: JUPITER

God of money, luck and good times between the sheets.Sagos are playful, laid back and oh-so fun to party with. They are wild, and may be the BADDEST party people you ever meet! One thing to be wary of is that Sagos like to talk BULLSHIT! Don't believe everything they tell you because they are kings at 'talking it up'. Sagos probably make better friends than lovers, but if you happen to score a one-nighter with them, be prepared to do stuff you've NEVER done before! Sagos are spontaneous and adventurous and most have probably been caught doing it somewhere public.When they find the right lover, they will give it 100% as long as the commitment is returned.

FAVE POSITION:
They are up for anything. Quality AND Quantity.

BEST SEX TOY:
Handwrite a sexual fantasy of yours and leave it on their pillow.You'll be surprised at what happens next!

SAGITTARIAN MALE IN BED
Even if he's fat, balding and middle aged, he can still pull the chicks. It's his love and pursuit of happiness that draws the babes to him. Think "Austin Powers" baby, yeah! He is a wee bit selfish though, so be prepared for an "all about me" attitude in the sack. He LOVES doing it, and if you start holding out on him, he's likely to get it somewhere else. He will either amaze his partner with his sexual expertise or be absolute trash in bed!S

AGITTARIAN FEMALE IN BED
The Sago woman is a handful! She changes her mind more often than she shaves her armpits, is blunt, oversensitive and takes offense at the strangest things. She's adventurous in the bedroom and also has no problems cheating if her needs are not fulfilled. But can u handle her open-minded sexuality? She will hide her emotions from you, but don't make the mistake of hiding yours from her. She's looking for someone she can trust 100%, but is quite hypocritical since she can be very untrustworthy herself.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON SAGITTARIUS
Hips and thighs are extremely sensual for a Sago, so concentrate on massaging and stroking that area and the place in between! Don't be afraid to ask your Sago if you're doing it right coz they would LOVE to tell you! The best way to get them going is to grope their inner thigh in a public place!
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CAPRICORN
December 23 - January 20
Ruling Planet: SATURN

The God who oversees time, discipline and dedication, which means Capricorn can go the distance - with major staying power - in bed and beyond!! Capricorns are very good at hiding their emotions, so it's often hard to tell when they are truly, deeply in love. If you have a load of cash, you can almost bet on admiration from a Capricorn because the goat is turned on by money. Like I said before, Capricorn has great sexual stamina and the ability to go all night if they want to!

FAVE POSITION:
Spooning! Goat boys and girls love to take, or be taken from behind.

BEST SEX TOY:
An office desk to "bond" on, or an erotic video will loosen up the randy goat. Butt plugs too.

CAPRICORN MALE IN BED
Imagination isn't a strong suit for Capricorn so don't expect acrobatics in the sack. Sex with him could possibly be as boring as watching paint dry and he tends to be a little bit selfish in that area too. BUT you can definitely count on him to be faithful if he has committed to you.

CAPRICORN FEMALE IN BED
She is strong and confident and likes to run the show! She's a tough nut to crack but once inside her shell, she's as sweet as caramel. Her fave position may be missionary, but she seeks excitement in new locations, so experiment with different venues to keep it interesting.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON CAPRICORN
Capricorns are the most anal signs of the zodiac, so buttering them up will take a bit of effort. Believe it or not, their erotic area is the knees! Lightly stroke their legs, paying close attention to the knee region. Licking, kissing, and nibbling the area will get them squirming.
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AQUARIUS
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Ruling Planet: URANUS.

The God of unexpected sexual twists and turns. Aquarians make much better friends than lovers, but when a typical Aquarian gets some bang-bang, it's more an intellectual experience than an emotional one. Looks aren't important to Aquarians in a relationship, it's the mind and spirit of a lover that turns Aquarius on. They are very entertaining in bed and are probably the most inventive of all the signs. Mental stimulation is more important to them than physical, which means that pornography gets them hot! Aquarians are impatient and like sex to be fast and satisfying. They are very particular about hygiene and contraception and sleeping around holds little interest for them.

FAVE POSITION
Mutual masturbation.

BEST SEX TOY
A Dildo. Whether gay, straight, male or female, Aquarians will have some fun with this.

AQUARIUS MALE IN BED
He has amazing staying power in the sack. He can keep at it and control himself for as long as it takes for YOU to finish! He's up for anything too. Role playing, S&M, posing nude in the backyard at 5am he's just not into 3somes, swinging or open relationships if YOU are involved. He'll do that for fun, but not with the love of his life.

AQUARIUS FEMALE IN BED
She's looking for a lover who will be upfront with her, but until she finds him, she will make do with whoever is available. LOVE freaks her out. She likes keeping her emotions under tight control and may come across as cold, but she's just protecting herself.T

HE BEST WAY TO TURN ON AQUARIUS
Lie down as if you are top and tailing and gently tickle and stroke the ankles and the calves. Don't tickle for giggles, but tease. Afterawhile, do the same with your tongue. Lick up, down and all around. Anywhere above the foot and below the knee is fair game. Lightly nip the ankle of your Aquarian, they may laugh, but it's not laughter from tickles, it's a release of tension that will most definitely lead to some action!
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PISCES
Feb 20 - March 20
Ruling Planet: NEPTUNE

The God in charge of delicious dreams, dangerous deceptions and sexual fantasies Sexually speaking, Pisces is putty in your hands. Anything you want, anything, is only a question away. If you're looking for someone who will go the extra mile to discover all your secret moan zones, then Pisces is for you!When a typical Piscean makes out, it's an act of romance rather than pure pleasure. Pisces is the sign of love itself. They are so romantic and want satin sheets and candles, poetry and a full moon. Music also gets them in the mood.One of their least appetizing traits is their ability to become very,very jealous. Sometimes they are so scared of losing the fairy-taleromance that they ruin the happy ending themselves.

FAVE POSITION
Pisces is all about Oral affections!

BEST SEX TOY
A copy of the Kama Sutra, since your fish is into almost anything

PISCES MALE IN BED
He is romantic and has the reputation of being a womanizer. The girlfriend of a Piscean man should keep her eye on the ball as he can be a bit flighty. But he does make an excellent lover. He's from the old school that sex should be an almost out of body experience, and if he's showering his attentions on you, you're in for a hell of a good ride!

PISCES FEMALE IN BED
She needs romance. It's the very air that she breathes. She needs to be held gently and whispered sweet nothings to but when it comes to between the sheets action, she's never happy doing the same ol', same ol' when she knows there are more exciting options at hand.

THE BEST WAY TO TURN ON PISCES
The Pisces Zesty-zone is their feet! If you want to make Pisces your Love Slave, start with a warm, scented footbath and soak their feet for 10 minutes. Then sit in front of them, cross-legged, and rub their feet firmly through the water. Use kneading motions that run from their ankles to the tips of their toes. After 5 minutes, get a scrub brush and clean their tootsies with lots of TLC, dry them off and lightly massage peppermint oil all over their feet, paying close attention to between their toes. Pisces REALLY gets off on this! Once oiled up, gently kiss each toe, one by one. Then let your tongue take over and you're in baby

Cows, Constitution, Commandments and “Carlin"

2005-08-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

And Last but not least...George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart … "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her off to jail."

Unique Honda Commercial

2005-08-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

Consider that there are no computer graphics or digital tricks in this film. Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something -usually very minor - didn't work. The production crew would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions.

The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete, including full engineering of the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long, so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime. However, it's fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history. Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free" viewings (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation - including the costs.

There are only six handmade Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film. Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is a part from those two cars. The
voiceover is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten. They fell off their chairs when they found out it was real. Oh...and about those funky windshield wipers. On new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet. It looks a bit weird in the commercial. Click on link below and enjoy
with amazement..................

http://www.steelcitysfinest.com/HondaAccordAd.htm

101 Things You Do Not Want Your System Administrator to Say

2005-08-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

Uh-oh...
Sh*t!
What the hell?
Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?)
That’s SOOOOO bizarre.
Wow! Look at this...
Hey! The suns don’t do this.
Terminated?
What software license?
Well, it’s doing something...
Wow... that seemed fast...
I got a better job at Lockheed...
Management says...
Sorry, the new equipment didn’t get budgeted.
What do you mean that wasn’t a copy?
It didn’t do that a minute ago...
Where’s the GUI on this thing?
Damn, and I just bought that pop...
Where’s the DIR command?
The drive ate the tape but that’s OK, I brought my screwdriver.
I cleaned up the root partition and now there’s lots of free space.
What’s this “any” key I’m supposed to press?
Do you smell something?
What’s that grinding sound?
I have never seen it do that before...
I think it should not be doing that...
I remember the last time I saw it do that...
You might as well all go home early today...
My leave starts tomorrow.
Ooops.
Hmm, maybe if I do this...
“Why is my “rm *.o” taking so long?”
Hmmm, curious...
Well, my files were backed up.
What do you mean you needed that directory?
What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
I didn’t think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
We’re standardizing on AIX.
Wonder what this command does?
What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
You did what to the floppy???
Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
NO! Not that button!
Uh huh... “nu -k $USER”.. No problem...sure thing...
Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
[looks at workstation] “Say, what version of DOS is this running?”
Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
What’s this switch for anyways...?
Tell me again what that ‘-r’ option to rm does
Say, what does “Superblock Error” mean, anyhow?
If I knew it wasn’t going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
Was that your directory?
System coming down in 0 min....
The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
The sprinkler system isn’t supposed to leak is it?
It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. (This is said on a Monday afternoon.)
I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip without tripping the breaker.
What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
Ummm... Didn’t you say you turned it off?
The network’s down, but we’re working on it. Come back after dinner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline...)
Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
Boy, it’s a lot easier when you know what you’re doing.
I hate it when that happens.
And what does it mean ‘rm: .o: No such file or directory’?
Why did it say ‘/bin/rm: not found’?
Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
You can do this patch with the system up...
What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk?
Well, I’ve got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk....
What do mean by “fired”?
Hey, what does mkfs do?
OK, let’s set cron to clear out the user’s home directories every night...
Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like this...
Don’t do that, it’ll crash the sys... SH*T
What’s this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {}
Now it’s funny you should ask that, because I don’t know either
Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
SMIT makes it all so much easier...
Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
I don’t care what he says, I’m not having it on my network
We don’t support that. We won’t support that.
...and after I patched the microcode...
You’ve got TECO. What more do you want?
We prefer not to change the root password, it’s an nice easy one
Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...
Next week we’re ditching these UNIX machines and moving to Windows NT. Now won’t that be exciting?
I don’t care if your machine’s crashed! I just lost another life!
When I were a lad I’d have given an arm and a leg for that much filestore.

Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator's valuable time

2005-08-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator's valuable time
(In following examples, we will substitute the name "Ted" as the System Administrator)

Make sure to save all your MP3 files on your network drive. No sense in wasting valuable space on your local drive! Plus, Ted loves browsing through 100+ GB of music files while he backs up the servers.
Play with all the wires you can find. If you can't find enough, open something up to expose them. After you have finished, and nothing works anymore, put it all back together and call Ted. Deny that you touched anything and that it was working perfectly only five minutes ago. Ted just loves a good mystery. For added effect you can keep looking over his shoulder and ask what each wire is for.
Never write down error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer. Ted likes to guess what the error message was.
When talking about your computer, use terms like "Thingy" and "Big Connector."
If you get an EXE file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Ted likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly.
When Ted says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for him to remember your password.
When you call Ted to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under a year-old pile of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, unpaid bills, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Ted doesn't have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.
When Ted sends you an email marked as "Highly Important" or "Action Required", delete it at once. He's probably just testing some new-fangled email software.
When Ted's eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab a few of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond immediately. Ted lives to serve, and he's always ready to think about fixing computers, especially yours.
When Ted's at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all is to ferret out all those employees who don't have email or a telephone.
Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call Ted. There's electronics in it, so it should be right up his alley.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Ted. He enjoys fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on weekends.
When something goes wrong with your home PC, dump it on Ted's chair the next morning with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. Ted just loves a good mystery.
When you have Ted on the phone walking you through changing a setting on your PC, read the newspaper. Ted doesn't actually mean for you to DO anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.
When your company offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother to sign up. Ted will be there to hold your hand when the time comes.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession. That should do the trick.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all the printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
Don't read the operator's manual. Manuals are for wussies.
If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate your fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. Ted will be grateful for the overtime when he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.
When Ted's fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with cheese in his face. He functions better when he's slightly dizzy from hunger.
When Ted asks you whether you've installed any new software on your computer, LIE. It's no one else's business what you've got on your computer.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the monitor and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny Mouse cables were designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame Ted for not upgrading it sooner. Hell, it's not your fault there's a half pound of pizza crust crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew under the keys.
When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click the "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that boneheaded computer crap." It never bothers Ted to hear his area of professional expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 500-page Word document.
When you send that 500-page document to the printer, don't bother to check if the printer has enough paper. That's Ted's job.
When Ted calls you 30 minutes later and tells you that the printer printed 24 pages of your 500-page document before it ran out of paper, and there are now nine other jobs in the queue behind yours, ask him why he didn't bother to add more paper.
When you receive a 130 MB movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. Ted's provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity on the new mail server for just those kinds of important things.
When you bump into Ted in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, ask him computer questions. He works 24/7, and is always thinking about computers, even when he's at super-market buying toilet paper and doggie treats.
If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Ted will be there for you when your son's illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes the Access database keel over and die.
When you bring Ted your own "no-name" brand PC to repair for free at the office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can get back to playing EverQuest. He'll get on it right away, because everyone knows he doesn't do anything all day except surf the Internet.
Don't ever thank Ted. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!

The Truthful Zodiac

2005-07-20T14:44:00.000-07:00

You Know You're From Utah When...

2005-07-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Green jell-o with carrots mixed in doesn't seem strange.
You can pronounce Tooele.
The U is not just a letter - Neither is the Y.
You have actually eaten funeral potatoes.
You've gotten both heat and frost burns off your car's door handle in the same month.
You are not surprised to hear words like "Darn, Fetch, Flip", "Oh, My Heck" and "Shoot".
Your tulips get snowed on three times after they come up and twice more after they bloom.
Hunting season is a school holiday.
The largest liquor store is the state government.
You can go skiing and play golf on the same day.
30% humidity is muggy and almost unbearable.
Somewhere in your family tree is a polygamist.
You know the difference between a 'Steak House' and a 'Stake House'.
The elevation exceeds the population
You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you
You can see the stars at night
You have a bumper sticker that says "Families are Forever."
You were an aunt or uncle before you were three.
Your spouse's mother was pregnant at your wedding.
You have more children than you can find biblical names for.
Your family considers a trip to McDonald'd a night out..
Your first child was conceived on your honeymoon.
You feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.
Your kids believe the deer hunt is a national holiday.
You drink Coke from a brown paper bag.
You consider a temple recommend a credit reference.
At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors.
You believe that you must be 18 or older to order coffee at a restaurant.
You wonder why fire truck drivers honk when you drive 35 mph in the left lane on the freeway.
There is a similarity between a ward basketball game and the L.A. riots.
You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
You negotiate prices at a garage sale.
You can make Jell-O salad without the recipe.
You've heard about BYU football in a testimony meeting.
You have two gallons of ice cream in your freezer at all times.
Your father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a liberal.
A member of your family wrote in Lavell Edwards for president in the last election.
Cars in the slow lane are traveling the fastest; cars in the fast lane are traveling the slowest; cars in the middle lanes are always trying to exit.
Sandals are the best-selling shoes.
You have to ask for the uncensored version of "Titanic."
Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.
You buy your wardrobe at the local grocery superstore.
You learn about the Mormon Church by taking history in elementary school.
You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running. Then they come in fourth.
You're on your own if you are turning left.
Schools stay open, even if two feet of snow falls overnight, but close for the opening of hunting season.
People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.
There is a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.
The most popular public transportation system is a ski lift.
People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery.
In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.
Beer drinkers don't shop on Sunday.
You don't have to breathe cigarette smoke until you walk outside a building.
The cost of living rises while your salary drops.
Every driveway has a minivan and a pickup truck.
When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks are standard.
Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.
Your paycheck has an additional 10 percent deduction.
"Temple recommends" is acceptable identification for cashing a check.
More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.
You've never had a Mormon missionary knock on your door.
Your neighbors complain about where they live, yet refuse to return to the state they moved from.
You make a toast with red punch at your wedding reception.
You have more raw wheat stored than some Third World countries.
Your idea of a good time is playing Pictionary in the cultural hall.
Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Pepsi and a PG-13 movie.
You and all your friends come to your mother for a haircut in her kitchen.
You measure Kool-Aid by parts per million.
You think "You're a 10 cow wife" is a compliment.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Utah.

Actually found in high school essays

2005-07-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

Just for fun....

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame,maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Things to Occupy Your Mind

2005-06-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration ofIndependenceon July 4th, John Hancock and CharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, theolny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the hmaun mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azmanig huh?

Another Funny Website

2005-06-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

I am worth $1,572,030 on HumanForSale.com

Quick Silly Blonde Joke

2005-06-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

Three Girls in the Office

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!

Ha- For Laughs!!

2005-06-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

2005-06-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie,
Rose Frances, & Novice Mary Kathleen left the Convent
on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and
were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.
*
It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was
making them so uncomfortable. They decided to stop in at
Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.
*
Patty had recently added some special legs to his barstools
which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood.
*
All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes
when Monsignor Riley entered the bar through the front door
with Father McGinty for a cold drink when they were shocked
and almost fainted at what they saw.
**
**

A Funny Joke Forward

2005-06-03T09:44:00.000-07:00

A woman's tale of hair removal. This is too good not to send to ALL of my friends! For all of us who have done home wax hair removal, you will appreciate it...

Hair removal...................

You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story. I guarantee it will have women (men too) laughing out loud!! All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . . The Wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think. So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on my boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind! Blind from the pain!

Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that
is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?

Where could the wax go, if not on the strip? Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of "The Tar Baby." I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake
- up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass? Sealed shut. A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to do #2 anytime soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

Wrong. I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax. So now I'm stuck to the tub. I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and
hoochie are stuck to the tub. She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to
suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass -
"Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the run-down of the entire night.

She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth." While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off! In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to othersubjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up. I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair isstill there. So I shaved the damned stuff off.

Hell, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know, I may want to try it again.

And men think they have it rough with shaving.........lol

Just for Kicks

2005-06-03T05:26:00.000-07:00

Which Rock Chick Are You?

Just for Memory Sake

2005-06-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

Just for memory sake

Just How it Feels

2005-06-03T05:21:00.000-07:00

I can relate!

I think that scares me most, I get these jokes, and gas prices have made me into an old person. Just the other day I was on a fabulous date, and did I talk about how good looking he was, or the way he makes me smile ... no! I pointed out how high gas prices have gotten, and tried searching for the lowest price in the valley. I sounded like a senior trying to save .10 a gallon by driving all the way across town.

Make it stop!!

What the ...

2005-06-03T05:20:00.000-07:00

I got these from my good friend in Ireland, great for a Friday smile :)

THIS IS YOU'RE FUTURE
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
You will grow up to be	Harry Potter researcher
You will marry	santa
A major problem will be	lack of money
you're lucky because	all those groovy horoscopes you read ARE TRUE

This QuickKwiz by Jacinda - Taken 8900 Times.