Friday, August 26, 2005

Cows, Constitution, Commandments and “Carlin"

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

And Last but not least...George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart … "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her off to jail."

Unique Honda Commercial

Consider that there are no computer graphics or digital tricks in this film. Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something -usually very minor - didn't work. The production crew would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions.

The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete, including full engineering of the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long, so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime. However, it's fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history. Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free" viewings (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!). When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation - including the costs.

There are only six handmade Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film. Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is a part from those two cars. The
voiceover is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten. They fell off their chairs when they found out it was real. Oh...and about those funky windshield wipers. On new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet. It looks a bit weird in the commercial. Click on link below and enjoy
with amazement..................

http://www.steelcitysfinest.com/HondaAccordAd.htm

Monday, August 01, 2005

101 Things You Do Not Want Your System Administrator to Say

  1. Uh-oh...
  2. Sh*t!
  3. What the hell?
  4. Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?)
  5. That’s SOOOOO bizarre.
  6. Wow! Look at this...
  7. Hey! The suns don’t do this.
  8. Terminated?
  9. What software license?
  10. Well, it’s doing something...
  11. Wow... that seemed fast...
  12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
  13. Management says...
  14. Sorry, the new equipment didn’t get budgeted.
  15. What do you mean that wasn’t a copy?
  16. It didn’t do that a minute ago...
  17. Where’s the GUI on this thing?
  18. Damn, and I just bought that pop...
  19. Where’s the DIR command?
  20. The drive ate the tape but that’s OK, I brought my screwdriver.
  21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there’s lots of free space.
  22. What’s this “any” key I’m supposed to press?
  23. Do you smell something?
  24. What’s that grinding sound?
  25. I have never seen it do that before...
  26. I think it should not be doing that...
  27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
  28. You might as well all go home early today...
  29. My leave starts tomorrow.
  30. Ooops.
  31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
  32. “Why is my “rm *.o” taking so long?”
  33. Hmmm, curious...
  34. Well, my files were backed up.
  35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
  36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
  37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
  38. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
  39. I didn’t think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
  40. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
  41. We’re standardizing on AIX.
  42. Wonder what this command does?
  43. What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
  44. You did what to the floppy???
  45. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
  46. NO! Not that button!
  47. Uh huh... “nu -k $USER”.. No problem...sure thing...
  48. Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
  49. [looks at workstation] “Say, what version of DOS is this running?”
  50. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
  51. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
  52. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
  53. What’s this switch for anyways...?
  54. Tell me again what that ‘-r’ option to rm does
  55. Say, what does “Superblock Error” mean, anyhow?
  56. If I knew it wasn’t going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
  57. Was that your directory?
  58. System coming down in 0 min....
  59. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
  60. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
  61. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
  62. The sprinkler system isn’t supposed to leak is it?
  63. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. (This is said on a Monday afternoon.)
  64. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip without tripping the breaker.
  65. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
  66. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
  67. Ummm... Didn’t you say you turned it off?
  68. The network’s down, but we’re working on it. Come back after dinner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline...)
  69. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
  70. Boy, it’s a lot easier when you know what you’re doing.
  71. I hate it when that happens.
  72. And what does it mean ‘rm: .o: No such file or directory’?
  73. Why did it say ‘/bin/rm: not found’?
  74. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
  75. You can do this patch with the system up...
  76. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
  77. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk?
  78. Well, I’ve got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk....
  79. What do mean by “fired”?
  80. Hey, what does mkfs do?
  81. OK, let’s set cron to clear out the user’s home directories every night...
  82. Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
  83. ...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like this...
  84. Don’t do that, it’ll crash the sys... SH*T
  85. What’s this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
  86. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
  87. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {}
  88. Now it’s funny you should ask that, because I don’t know either
  89. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
  90. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
  91. SMIT makes it all so much easier...
  92. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
  93. I don’t care what he says, I’m not having it on my network
  94. We don’t support that. We won’t support that.
  95. ...and after I patched the microcode...
  96. You’ve got TECO. What more do you want?
  97. We prefer not to change the root password, it’s an nice easy one
  98. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...
  99. Next week we’re ditching these UNIX machines and moving to Windows NT. Now won’t that be exciting?
  100. I don’t care if your machine’s crashed! I just lost another life!
  101. When I were a lad I’d have given an arm and a leg for that much filestore.

Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator's valuable time

Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator's valuable time
(In following examples, we will substitute the name "Ted" as the System Administrator)

  • Make sure to save all your MP3 files on your network drive. No sense in wasting valuable space on your local drive! Plus, Ted loves browsing through 100+ GB of music files while he backs up the servers.
  • Play with all the wires you can find. If you can't find enough, open something up to expose them. After you have finished, and nothing works anymore, put it all back together and call Ted. Deny that you touched anything and that it was working perfectly only five minutes ago. Ted just loves a good mystery. For added effect you can keep looking over his shoulder and ask what each wire is for.
  • Never write down error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer. Ted likes to guess what the error message was.
  • When talking about your computer, use terms like "Thingy" and "Big Connector."
  • If you get an EXE file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Ted likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly.
  • When Ted says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for him to remember your password.
  • When you call Ted to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under a year-old pile of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, unpaid bills, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Ted doesn't have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.
  • When Ted sends you an email marked as "Highly Important" or "Action Required", delete it at once. He's probably just testing some new-fangled email software.
  • When Ted's eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab a few of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond immediately. Ted lives to serve, and he's always ready to think about fixing computers, especially yours.
  • When Ted's at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all is to ferret out all those employees who don't have email or a telephone.
  • Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
  • When the photocopier doesn't work, call Ted. There's electronics in it, so it should be right up his alley.
  • When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Ted. He enjoys fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on weekends.
  • When something goes wrong with your home PC, dump it on Ted's chair the next morning with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. Ted just loves a good mystery.
  • When you have Ted on the phone walking you through changing a setting on your PC, read the newspaper. Ted doesn't actually mean for you to DO anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.
  • When your company offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother to sign up. Ted will be there to hold your hand when the time comes.
  • When the printer won't print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession. That should do the trick.
  • When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all the printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
  • Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
  • Don't read the operator's manual. Manuals are for wussies.
  • If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate your fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. Ted will be grateful for the overtime when he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.
  • When Ted's fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with cheese in his face. He functions better when he's slightly dizzy from hunger.
  • When Ted asks you whether you've installed any new software on your computer, LIE. It's no one else's business what you've got on your computer.
  • If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the monitor and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny Mouse cables were designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing them.
  • If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame Ted for not upgrading it sooner. Hell, it's not your fault there's a half pound of pizza crust crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew under the keys.
  • When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click the "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
  • Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that boneheaded computer crap." It never bothers Ted to hear his area of professional expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.
  • Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 500-page Word document.
  • When you send that 500-page document to the printer, don't bother to check if the printer has enough paper. That's Ted's job.
  • When Ted calls you 30 minutes later and tells you that the printer printed 24 pages of your 500-page document before it ran out of paper, and there are now nine other jobs in the queue behind yours, ask him why he didn't bother to add more paper.
  • When you receive a 130 MB movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. Ted's provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity on the new mail server for just those kinds of important things.
  • When you bump into Ted in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, ask him computer questions. He works 24/7, and is always thinking about computers, even when he's at super-market buying toilet paper and doggie treats.
  • If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Ted will be there for you when your son's illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes the Access database keel over and die.
  • When you bring Ted your own "no-name" brand PC to repair for free at the office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can get back to playing EverQuest. He'll get on it right away, because everyone knows he doesn't do anything all day except surf the Internet.
  • Don't ever thank Ted. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!