Wednesday, July 20, 2005

The Truthful Zodiac

You Know You're From Utah When...

  1. Green jell-o with carrots mixed in doesn't seem strange.
  2. You can pronounce Tooele.
  3. The U is not just a letter - Neither is the Y.
  4. You have actually eaten funeral potatoes.
  5. You've gotten both heat and frost burns off your car's door handle in the same month.
  6. You are not surprised to hear words like "Darn, Fetch, Flip", "Oh, My Heck" and "Shoot".
  7. Your tulips get snowed on three times after they come up and twice more after they bloom.
  8. Hunting season is a school holiday.
  9. The largest liquor store is the state government.
  10. You can go skiing and play golf on the same day.
  11. 30% humidity is muggy and almost unbearable.
  12. Somewhere in your family tree is a polygamist.
  13. You know the difference between a 'Steak House' and a 'Stake House'.
  14. The elevation exceeds the population
  15. You've broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you
  16. You can see the stars at night
  17. You have a bumper sticker that says "Families are Forever."
  18. You were an aunt or uncle before you were three.
  19. Your spouse's mother was pregnant at your wedding.
  20. You have more children than you can find biblical names for.
  21. Your family considers a trip to McDonald'd a night out..
  22. Your first child was conceived on your honeymoon.
  23. You feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.
  24. Your kids believe the deer hunt is a national holiday.
  25. You drink Coke from a brown paper bag.
  26. You consider a temple recommend a credit reference.
  27. At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors.
  28. You believe that you must be 18 or older to order coffee at a restaurant.
  29. You wonder why fire truck drivers honk when you drive 35 mph in the left lane on the freeway.
  30. There is a similarity between a ward basketball game and the L.A. riots.
  31. You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
  32. You negotiate prices at a garage sale.
  33. You can make Jell-O salad without the recipe.
  34. You've heard about BYU football in a testimony meeting.
  35. You have two gallons of ice cream in your freezer at all times.
  36. Your father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a liberal.
  37. A member of your family wrote in Lavell Edwards for president in the last election.
  38. Cars in the slow lane are traveling the fastest; cars in the fast lane are traveling the slowest; cars in the middle lanes are always trying to exit.
  39. Sandals are the best-selling shoes.
  40. You have to ask for the uncensored version of "Titanic."
  41. Hotel rooms all have the Book of Mormon.
  42. You buy your wardrobe at the local grocery superstore.
  43. You learn about the Mormon Church by taking history in elementary school.
  44. You live in a state where Democrats always come in third place, unless a zoo animal is running. Then they come in fourth.
  45. You're on your own if you are turning left.
  46. Schools stay open, even if two feet of snow falls overnight, but close for the opening of hunting season.
  47. People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.
  48. There is a church on every corner, but they all teach the same thing.
  49. The most popular public transportation system is a ski lift.
  50. People drive to Idaho (or Arizona) to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery.
  51. In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.
  52. Beer drinkers don't shop on Sunday.
  53. You don't have to breathe cigarette smoke until you walk outside a building.
  54. The cost of living rises while your salary drops.
  55. Every driveway has a minivan and a pickup truck.
  56. When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks are standard.
  57. Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.
  58. Your paycheck has an additional 10 percent deduction.
  59. "Temple recommends" is acceptable identification for cashing a check.
  60. More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.
  61. You've never had a Mormon missionary knock on your door.
  62. Your neighbors complain about where they live, yet refuse to return to the state they moved from.
  63. You make a toast with red punch at your wedding reception.
  64. You have more raw wheat stored than some Third World countries.
  65. Your idea of a good time is playing Pictionary in the cultural hall.
  66. Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Pepsi and a PG-13 movie.
  67. You and all your friends come to your mother for a haircut in her kitchen.
  68. You measure Kool-Aid by parts per million.
  69. You think "You're a 10 cow wife" is a compliment.
  70. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Utah.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Actually found in high school essays

Just for fun....

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

  1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
  8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
  9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
  10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
  16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
  18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame,maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
  23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
  25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
  27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
  28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.